Did you say something?

Ahh. One of my favorite topics in the whole world! Communication. How exciting it is to conceptualize interpersonal connection through vocalization of vernacular including diction, jargon, poetry, love, and connection conveying the intricacies of oneself! If only the purity of communication was that simply put, or attainable for that matter. Did we already forget deceit, ill-intent, lying by omission, avoiding accountability, facetiousness, manipulation, privacy, candor, confrontation/contention, strife, exaggeration, and all the other negative contributors to communication are still alive and well? In society, we have to engage in communication regularly, whether your personality reflects the identity of an introvert, extravert, omnivert, outgoing, reserved, pedantic, muted, etc. Enough lists. You get my point. Let’s talk about the beauty of communication; while additionally, and unfortunately, touching on some of the negative components that comprise what communication is.

I want to use a specific example to branch off of and then you can extrapolate that to your unique scenario. I believe this one to be the most common that I see; relationship issues and lack of communication, and/or unhealthy or non-existent communication is the main complaint from one or both parties. Let’s first discuss expectations. If my ideals from what my subjective reality of what communication should look like doesn’t align with the person I’m trying to build healthy communication with, what can be done? Don’t laugh, but communicating is the way to build alliance and transparency for communicating preferences and desires. Inherently…communicating about your communication needs for communicating. Confused yet? Sorry for the echolalia, even I, writing this, am getting semantic satiation. Interestly, the modality for verbal expression is communicating. The only way to navigate what good communication looks like is to communicate with your partner, friend, family member, colleague, etc. Okay, Jesse. That’s too ambiguous. It’s like one of those riddles where the solution is hidden in the descriptor. However, I believe we are the ones that do the overcomplicating. Take for example: you are trying to learn how to appropriately communicate with your co-worker. You feel uncomfortable at work at times because you don’t agree with their mindset, their philosophy in life is vastly different from yours, and in general you don’t get along. Yet, work requires you to interact with this person regularly. You have multiple options: you can be snooty, short, exhibiting a displeasing disposition, distanced, etc. Or you could be avoidant, distracted, complacent, etc., i.e. “Did you say something?”. Most people shoot for an either or situation, navigating how professional they need to be versus how much they want or are required to be. By learning to communicate, and applying the skill of communication, you must learn that one of the key components is speaking your truth.

Okay, the cliche “to speak my truth” is hard for people to internalize, but bear with me momentarily. Speaking your truth is identifying your thoughts and feelings to convey a message to someone else that perhaps is unaware or negligent. It brings to the limelight the precipitating variable and exposes your desires. Part of communicating is being able to speak your truth to the person. Whether it is the partner whose divulgence of information is limited at best, not matching your ideals for healthy communication, or it’s the dissatisfying coworker with a bitter attitude. As vulnerable as you are required to be to speak your truth, it can be a beneficial experience. The caveat being, not everyone is interested in hearing your truth! Be cognizant that you’ll potentially have to navigate that. As we talk about boundaries in a future blog, you’ll recognize that setting boundaries or in this case, speaking your truth, doesn’t have to be accepted (similarly to AA tenets of making amends). It’s a healthy thing for you to do and can be potentially transformative to your relationships involving communication.

Let’s speak briefly about unhealthy communication and what proper steps you could apply in order to effectively navigate. Interestingly enough, most people engage in unhealthy communication unwittingly. A type of characteristic derived from personality types, daily disposition, level of interest, etc. Take for example your neighbor. You’ve casually said hello for years, or at the least, pleasantly waved in accordance with neighborly standards and societal expectation. One day, the human living adjacent to you darts over as you are preparing to begin your lethargic commute to work. They are expressive and dissatisfied with a dispute with HOA or that your bushes are flourishing onto their property line. All of a sudden this “friendly” neighbor has devolved into a continuation of your nightmare only hours prior. You know, the one where you’re falling? Let’s identify the breakdown. This is common terminology when addressing communication, particularly in interpersonal relationships. You’ll often hear clinicians address the “breakdown in communication” presumptuously assuming there was a previously “structured” or inherently healthy version of communication…With your proximity peer, why did the tacit relationship shift from pleasantries to contention? Your neighbor failed to identify the appropriateness of the divulgeness (or in the other situation, the proper way to effectively confront to express healthy needs and boundaries) and moved into what you now believe and will inevitably tell your friends or partner “showed their true colors”. They have initiated contact that seems aggressive, lacked capability or emotional intelligence to communicate with decorum, so now your response has a high impact on whether the engagement continues to devolve, or improves.

When dealing with people who are erratic, or engaging in unhealthy communication, you can use your responsibility and knowledge after reading this blog, to reframe this transaction and end it; remaining on good terms with that person. Allow yourself the ability to reduce your overall heightened emotions and recognize that conflict is uncomfortable. Your job is to communicate with clarity, and strength. So what does that look like to someone you don’t know such as the neighbor? Moreover, what does it look like to someone you love? Clarity is key. Clarity allows the situation, obviously to be clear, but reduces misconstruing the dialogue and increasing the capability of pacifying the situation. At the very least, you remain integrous and empowered for justly and aptly applying your beliefs in dialogue to that person, be it confrontation or vulnerability.

There will be plenty more blogs on communication so if you are interested, you’re in luck. Remember to speak clearly, speak your truth, and set boundaries when necessary. Communication can be an incomprehensibly powerful tool and is necessary for healthy relationships or conflict resolution.